


caveat emptor

by some_stars



Category: The Witcher (TV)
Genre: Bondage, Comedy, F/M, M/M, Multi, Rope Bondage, a lot of non-sexual pee talk, bondage gone magically wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:16:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25092229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_stars/pseuds/some_stars
Summary: The ambiance was the perfect blend of seedy and cheerful, which also accurately described the middle-aged woman who approached him with a broad smile as he stood there looking around. "Welcome to Tabitha's House of Pleasure!" she exclaimed. "What can I help you find today?""To be honest," Jaskier said, "I came in looking for rope, but I'm easily distracted."(In which Jaskier buys some enchanted rope to use on Geralt, and Shenanigans Ensue.)
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 38
Kudos: 247





	caveat emptor

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been contemplating a sequel to "warm you like the sunshine" with elaborate rope bondage and lots of sex. This...is not that, at all, but it is inspired by [this Oglaf comic](https://www.oglaf.com/jute/) (NSFW) that I saw while doing said contemplating and suddenly had a very, very silly idea.

Jaskier stepped through the door into the dimly-lit interior of the shop and looked around. He'd been in such establishments before, of course, but never such a large one with quite so much to offer. Along one wall stood an enormous array of phalluses in a delectable variety of shapes, sizes, and species; a bookshelf along the opposite wall was filled with large and small books—the large ones illustrated, the small ones, he knew, meticulously hand-copied, as no printer would dare publish them.

The ambiance was the perfect blend of seedy and cheerful, which also accurately described the middle-aged woman who approached him with a broad smile as he stood there looking around. "Welcome to Tabitha's House of Pleasure!" she exclaimed. "What can I help you find today?"

"To be honest," Jaskier said, "I came in looking for rope, but I'm easily distracted."

The shopkeeper--Tabitha, presumably--laughed. "Well, whatever it is you seek, you'll surely find it here. Rope, you say? I assume something a little more special than whatever you can get at the roper?"

He nodded. "I'm looking for something very smooth, very comfortable. But also as strong as possible, but not too thick."

She escorted him to a cabinet in the back, the display shelves of which showed off several leather and metal cuffs of various sizes, and opened the top drawer. "We've got bondage rope aplenty, don't you worry," she said, and pulled out a coil of rope. "This one's nice and smooth, popular for the more elaborate knots and ties."

He ran it through his fingers appraisingly and nodded his approval. "It's very nice," he said. "But...hmm. I worry it might not be strong enough?"

"Well, it's difficult to get much stronger without a thicker rope," Tabitha said, and then her eyes lit up. "Unless...I do have something of a special item that might interest you, but I must warn you, it costs a pretty penny."

"Money is no object," Jaskier declared grandly and not quite truthfully, and she beamed and opened the lowest drawer, pulling out what looked to his eyes like a very similar coil of rope. 

"I've had a couple requests like yours before," she explained, "and then a few months ago I had the pleasure of doing business with a sorceress who agreed to pay with her services rather than coin."

Jaskier raised his eyebrows. "It's enchanted?"

"Absolutely unbreakable once you knot it," Tabitha said proudly. "Only the hands of the person who tied the knots can undo them. Well, or you can cut through them—I had her include that proviso in case of emergencies."

"Very wise," Jaskier said, nodding. He ran his fingers over the rope and felt nothing unusual, only a perfectly smooth surface that bent pliably when he tested it. "Dare I ask the price?"

She told him, and he didn't blanch, but quietly gave up his hopes for any additional shopping in the phallus department. "My dear woman," he said, pulling out his purse, "you have a deal. And a very satisfied customer."

—

Jaskier returned to the house he'd been sharing with Geralt and Yennefer during their stay in the city—it was Yennefer's; she kept homes all over the continent to use in her travels, and he and Geralt were the beneficiaries. 

At the moment she wasn't present, away doing a favor for an old friend. She'd be back tomorrow morning, but the last few days it had been just him and Geralt, and they had made the most of it. Geralt wasn't particularly keen on big cities, but he'd grown more used to them over the last few years as the three of them spent more and more time together, because Yennefer liked cities, and Jaskier adored them.

He'd dragged Geralt to the market more than once, and taken him to see the grand temple that stood ten stories high (with a spire rising even higher, held up, Jaskier suspected, by magic), and even patiently followed Geralt to the swordsmith and the armorer, which were the two advantages of large cities that Geralt would admit to appreciating. They had also, however, spent rather a lot of time inside Yennefer's little house, enjoying the lack of disgruntled neighbors to bang on the walls when they made too much noise, and that was what had prompted Jaskier's visit to the sex shop. Specifically, an extremely pleasurable interlude the night before when Jaskier had found a bundle of rope in the pantry and made certain suggestions to Geralt concerning Jaskier's past experiences at a very specialized brothel, suggestions which had ended in Jaskier bound securely, arms behind his back, while Geralt gripped the ropes and bounced him up and down on his cock until he was crying from the sheer pleasure of it, the fucking and the binding both.

After, as Geralt had gently untied him and massaged his sore muscles, Jaskier had sleepily suggested they reverse roles the next time, and Geralt had been...more than amenable. Hence, the House of Pleasure, and the extremely expensive enchanted rope.

He waited to show it to Geralt until that evening when they retired to the bedroom, at which point he pulled it out and presented it, beaming. "Look what I got in town today!"

Geralt examined it, brow furrowing. "It's...rope? We have rope."

"This is _special_ rope," Jaskier said patiently. "I bought it at a sex shop, so it's designed for, you know. Sex. Very smooth, no chafing at all, and most importantly—"

But before he could continue, Geralt scowled and grabbed it, looking almost alarmed. "Jaskier. This is magic."

Of course; he could sense these things. Jaskier nodded. "Don't worry," he said, "it's not cursed or anything. It's enchanted."

"Enchanted rope." Geralt looked at him dubiously. "Is that...necessary?"

"Well," Jaskier said, "I thought...you're, you know, you're very strong. And the whole point of being tied up is that you can't move. That's what you want, isn't it?" He placed his hand over Geralt's, squeezing a little. "To be bound and helpless, just like I was last night? Let me use you for my pleasure, unable to do anything but take it?" 

He lowered his voice as he spoke and it had the desired effect; Geralt's pupils dilated, and he swallowed and nodded.

"So," Jaskier went on, "enchanted rope. Can't be broken by anything—well, except a knife—but the knots are unbreakable once I tie them, and only I can untie them. Doesn't that sound nice?"

Another thick swallow and nod, and Geralt released his hold on the rope. Jaskier smiled and leaned in and kissed him, a brief soothing press of lips.

"You'll love it, darling," he said. "I promise. Now why don't you undress for me, and we can put that enchantment to the test."

Geralt always undressed stiffly when he had an audience, like he wasn't sure if he was doing it right, but Jaskier loved to watch him anyway, heat rising in him as more and more of Geralt's pale skin was exposed. Finally he stood there nude, his thick cock starting to stir under Jaskier's gaze.

"Lovely," Jaskier said, and Geralt shivered; Jaskier knew he would be blushing if he could. "Now get on the bed for me, please. Face down."

He sat between Geralt's legs, pushing them apart, and gave his ass a pleasant squeeze before getting down to business. Geralt held beautifully still as Jaskier tied his right leg calf to thigh, coiling the rope around and around just tight enough to provide some pressure before tying it off. He'd spent quite a few weeks at that specialized brothel—paying his way with his lute and occasionally, if all the other girls and boys were busy, his body—and he'd paid special attention to one ex-soldier and sailor named Yohan, whose specialty was just this sort of elaborate bondage, and who hadn't minded at all taking a young Jaskier under his wing as an apprentice.

There were still plenty of ties and arrangements he didn't dare try, and Yennefer's house didn't have any convenient reinforced hooks in the ceiling, so a lot of the more elaborate positions were out of the question anyway. But that was fine; Jaskier had a feeling Geralt wouldn't need much in the way of fancy knotwork to get off on being bound.

Sure enough, by the time Jaskier had his second leg bound in the same way, Geralt was panting, working his hips against the mattress with what leverage he still had. Jaskier could see him straining against the ropes—testing them, letting out short choked moans as the rope inexorably held against his strength.

"You look absolutely lovely already," Jaskier told him, petting his legs over the ropes, loving the feel of it. "Now let's see about your arms, shall we? Behind your back, please."

The quickness with which Geralt obeyed sent a dizzying burst of heat through Jaskier's body, and he had to focus carefully on the knots and not on his own growing erection, brushing tantalizingly against Geralt's ass as he leaned over him. He started with Geralt's wrists, wrapping the rope around a few times and securing it with a simple but sturdy knot. When he moved to start laddering the rope up his forearms, however, he became abruptly aware that he'd made a mistake: somehow he'd tied himself into the knot, and his left wrist was securely bound up with Geralt's.

"Uh, slight hiccup," he said, feeling himself turn a little pink as he fiddled at the knot, trying to undo himself. Geralt craned his head back to look at him, and when he saw what had happened the haze of lust on his face dissipated, replaced by a smirk.

"Having a little trouble back there?" he said. Jaskier rolled his eyes.

"Go ahead, mock me," he said. "See where that gets you. Let me just—" He worked the fingers of his right hand into the knot and pulled on it, loosening it. He'd just about freed his hand when suddenly—he wasn't sure how it happened—he found his right hand wrapped up too, tied securely to Geralt's just like his left. He blinked, trying to figure out what he'd done, but he _hadn't_ done anything. The rope had just...

"Um," he said, trying not to sound too alarmed. "You know how I said this rope was enchanted, not cursed?"

Geralt's eyes narrowed. "Jaskier."

"I, uh, I may have been slightly misled as to the precise nature of the— _whoa!_ " The rope snaked up his forearms, dragging him down to the bed—or rather, to Geralt, who he was now pressed up against quite snugly. It was less than comfortable with both their hands trapped between them. "Fuck," he muttered, feeling the rope knot itself around his back.

"You bought cursed rope," Geralt said, and it wasn't a question but just a weary statement.

"Now, we don't know that," Jaskier protested. "The shopkeeper was a very nice woman! She wouldn't have sold anything cursed! At least, nothing she _knew_ was cursed...besides," he went on, "maybe it's just reacting to, you know, your inherent magic and all that. Maybe it would work fine on a normal, non-magical human."

Geralt grunted as he tugged futilely against his—their—bonds. "What difference does it make? We're stuck here either way."

"That does seem to be the situation," Jaskier admitted, and then jerked in alarm as the rope contined winding down his back, dipping into his groin to wrap around his legs and tug them uncomfortably wide. "Also, I hate to say it, but it doesn't seem to be...stopping."

"Fuck," Geralt muttered, and for once Jaskier could only agree.

—

The rope did, eventually, stop. When Jaskier was folded and bent and stretched in a variety of uncomfortable ways, each secured with an unbreakable knot, it had moved on to Geralt, winding around his chest and pulling his arms closer together behind his back in a way that made him grunt with discomfort, and finally entwining the two of them in a riotous garden of knots until they were both utterly immobilized, stretched in all directions and festooned with coils of rope around every limb.

At that point, finally, it fell still, but not before tying itself securely to the bedpost. Jaskier struggled against the bonds without much hope, and could barely manage to move an inch.

"Well, I think it's done," he said, trying to lend a note of brightness to his voice and failing utterly. Geralt snorted.

"Oh, well, that's fine then. Not like we're both completely immobilized with no possible way to escape."

Jaskier grimaced at the truth of it. "I really am extremely sorry about this," he said. "I just wanted to get you something nice, and I fucked it up."

Beneath him, he both felt and heard Geralt sigh. "It's not your fault," he said, though he sounded a bit begrudging. "I should have examined it more closely. Shouldn't have let you use it. I just wanted..."

If Jaskier hadn't been contorted in a rather more acrobatic position than his body preferred, he might have felt a pleasant shiver of arousal at the thought of Geralt wanting so badly to be tied up that it overcame his judgment. As it was, he felt just the ghost of it, and his long-since softened cock didn't even stir where it was nestled against Geralt's ass.

"Let this be a lesson to both of us, then," he said.

"To stop thinking with our cocks?" Geralt said wryly.

"At least when Yennefer isn't around to stop us," Jaskier agreed, and then perked up. "Yennefer! She'll be back tomorrow morning, I'm sure she can get us out of this."

"Wonderful," Geralt said, his voice dry as a bone. "So that's only another twelve hours or so."

Jaskier's face fell. "Fuck."

"Yeah," Geralt agreed, and then they both fell silent.

Jaskier couldn't help squirming at first, wriggling to the limited extent the ropes allowed, but he wore himself out quickly, and fell limp with an exhausted sigh. Geralt, of course, was perfectly still, probably meditating like the smug ass he was.

Mostly to entertain himself, and only slightly out of spite, Jaskier started to hum.

—

Shockingly, Jaskier actually managed to get some sleep—just little snatches here and there, before the aching in his muscles or his building thirst—or, eventually, the need to piss—woke him again. He finally woke for good when the sun came shining through the windows, right into his eyes, and gave a solid wriggle in the vain hope that the ropes might have loosened overnight. It accomplished nothing, of course, and he relaxed again and tried to figure out the time—around nine, judging by the light through the window. Surely Yennefer would be back soon, assuming she hadn't been held up somehow, which absolutely didn't bear thinking about.

"Geralt," he said. "Are you awake?"

Geralt grunted an affirmative.

"Yen will be back soon," Jaskier said, more confidently than he felt. "She'll sort this all out in no time."

Another grunt. Geralt wasn't in the best of moods, apparently, not that Jaskier could blame him. And _gods,_ but he needed to piss like a damn racehorse. 

Right as he was about to vocalize that thought, though, he heard the loud pop of a portal appearing outside, and the relief that suffused him made the cramping aches all over his body recede. Even the pressure of his bladder suddenly felt bearable. Geralt perked up too, lifting his head as much as he could to look towards the door of the bedroom.

The front door creaked open, and Geralt called out, "Yen! In here!"

"We need a little help," Jaskier added. "Just a minor spot of magical trouble, you know how these things are."

Her footsteps quickened and she burst through the door, hands at the ready to cast. There was a moment of total silence, followed by a very sincere and heartfelt, "What the fuck?"

"Cursed rope," Geralt said shortly.

"Not necessarily cursed!" Jaskier said. "Just, uh, definitely enchanted, and not behaving as promised. Um. If you could maybe..."

"Get us out," Geralt growled, and Yennefer started laughing. It was a laugh of pure delight that pealed through the room, punctuated by brief snorts, and under any other circumstances Jaskier would have treasured it. As it was—

"It's very funny, I know, but we have been like this all night and nature is calling rather fiercely, so if you could just, you know, take care of it before I soil my nice trousers, I'd really appreciate it."

Geralt, who would also be the recipient of any hypothetical soiling in their present position, repeated with somewhat more urgency, " _Get us out,_ " and Yennefer—still giggling—moved closer and started to trace her hands over the ropes.

"Hmm," she said eventually. "It's definitely not a curse, I can tell it wasn't supposed to do this. It's a clever enchantment, really. But you could have just asked me to do it."

"You weren't here," Jaskier pointed out. "Also, I have no idea how I was supposed to know that sexy bondage magic was one of your areas of expertise."

She made a dismissive sound. "It's not a complicated spell. Any mage could do it. But it didn't react well with Geralt's resistance to magic, so I'd have to work around that..." Her voice trailed off with a tone that indicated deep thought, and Jaskier wriggled fiercely under her touch to remind her of the task at hand.

"All right," she said a moment later, "this should do it," and she spoke two words in the Elder speech—one Jaskier recognized as something like "release", and the other he couldn't place—and suddenly the ropes fell loose around him. He sprang up, wincing at the painful protest from his cramped muscles, and dived for the chamberpot. He barely got his trousers down in time before he was pissing blissfully into the pot, heedless of his audience as his bladder unburdened itself.

The sheer relief was so powerful that he knelt there in a stupor for a moment after he was done, before Geralt shoved him out of the way and took the pot, relieving himself as well.

"This is certainly a charming welcome home," Yennefer remarked as the tinkling sound filled the room again. "Just what every woman longs for when returning to her lovers. Positively romantic."

" _Twelve hours,_ Yen," Geralt said darkly, and stood, grimacing—his muscles no doubt as stiff and sore as Jaskier's—and took the now-sloshing chamber pot outside to empty it.

Jaskier fell back on the bed, stretching out like a starfish, luxuriating in the freedom to move. "Gods," he groaned, "that was truly an unbearable ordeal. I don't know what we would have done if you hadn't come back."

"Died of thirst, probably," Yennefer said—rather too casually for Jaskier's tastes—and he remembered abruptly how thirsty he was. The water in his waterskin by the bed was lukewarm, but it tasted as sweet as honey going down his parched throat as Yennefer continued to snicker intermittently. He suspected they would both be hearing about this for quite a while to come.

"You know," she said finally, as Geralt returned with the empty pot, "I really could make that rope for you. And I could make it so it works on Geralt without going haywire."

"Hmm," Geralt said, but it was the kind of _hmm_ that meant _yes, please._ Jaskier could tell.

"Honestly," he said, "I'm too exhausted right now to even contemplate sex, but on behalf of future me after I get some real sleep, I'm going to say yes, definitely do that."

She raised her eyebrows. "Too exhausted to contemplate sex? Is that a personal first?"

He sank back into bed; the soft give of the mattress felt like incalculable luxury after a night spent bound to Geralt's back. "Just give me a few hours," he said, yawning. He felt the bed dip beside him as Geralt lay down, and then dip further as Yennefer joined him.

"Tell you what," she said. "I didn't sleep well last night either. Why don't we all have a nap, and then you can both welcome me home properly, once you've regained some stamina."

The sound of Geralt and Yennefer kissing stirred the faintest heated twinge in Jaskier's belly, but he really was exhausted, and that was all it was. He scooted over a bit to make room for them, and the sound of Yennefer whispering no doubt filthy things to Geralt formed a soothing, susurrating soundtrack as he drifted off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Why do I end all my stories with the narrator falling asleep? Because it's easy, that's why. I have no other excuse and also, no shame.
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr](http://some-stars.tumblr.com/) for Witcher shitposts, WIP updates, occasional prompt fills, and just because I very much need people to talk to about this stupid, stupid show. :D? :D? Also if you would like to reblog this story, you can do so [here!](https://some-stars.tumblr.com/post/622825314413936640/caveat-emptor-somestars-the-witcher-tv)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] caveat emptor](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26007310) by [Chantress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chantress/pseuds/Chantress)




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